Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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