omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
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