i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
