I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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