They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
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