When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
