Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Randomize
