when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
Randomize
