I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
