Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
She's hot, in a Megan Fox with Down's Syndrome kinda way. Like, she'd win Miss Deliverance Pageant
At least she's the hottest one. Oh well, it's all about stats
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
just threw up in the bus full of other international students just outside of boulder, just keeping the aussie reputation alive
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
