I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
