I molested 6 butterflies tonight
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
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