Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Randomize
