so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Randomize
