We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
Randomize
