also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Randomize
