there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
