No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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