I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
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