I just cut my nipple shaving
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
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