My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Randomize
