well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
