How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
Randomize
