Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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