So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Randomize
