sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
