How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Randomize
