My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
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