On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
