Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Randomize