I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
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