I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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