What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Randomize
