I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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