So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
mondays should just be called national damage control day
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Randomize
