she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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