Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
If I die, sorry about rent.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
