At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
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