Sorry, I don't speak sober.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
