Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
