Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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