There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
