watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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