you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
