Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
Swine flu is the new snow day.
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
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