I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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