Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Randomize
