I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Randomize
