my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
yeah, but that could mean anything in Denmark.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Randomize
