Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
