i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Randomize
