I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Randomize
