I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
