I am spending my child support on dildos
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
