Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize
