Someone shit on the floor
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
